Posted in Journal, Relationships and Dating

16 Clear Signs of a Toxic Relationship (part 1 of 2)

Relationships are tough. There will always be ups and downs, but how are you supposed to know what’s normal? How can you tell if your partner is just going through a rough time, or if they’re actually toxic? I’ve done a bit of dating in my time, and unfortunately, the majority of it wasn’t good. The thing is, when I was in a toxic relationship, I had NO IDEA. I thought the stuff I went through with my partner was normal. So, time after time, I dated people who were extremely toxic for me, because I thought that a person with the quality of toxicity was my “type”. It took years of defending my choice of boyfriend to everyone around me before I realized it was wrong. That toxic relationships exist, and that I had a bad habit of finding myself in them.

Don’t stay with someone because you’re scared of being alone.

**This will be separated into 2 posts because it is important and i’d like to be able to talk about each point a bit**

1. Trying to Isolate You

If your special someone in your life can’t handle you having any other friends, run away. This could easily be played off as a joke by saying things like, “I just want you all to myself”, but if it actually effects your relationship with your friends, it’s toxic.

Now, hear me say that your romantic relationship will always have an effect on your friendships. When you become involved with someone, your whole world will change. However, just because you spend less time with your friends to make room for the person you’re dating does not mean they are isolating you. Isolation looks like jealously, anger, and fits when you spend time with other people.

I broke up with my first real (and very toxic) boyfriend because every time I hung out with my best friend, he would go INSANE. Which, after 6 months, I finally realized was an issue.

2. They Don’t Respect You.

Respect Aretha GIF by moodman

Oh my goodness. The amount of relationships I see these days where the woman has no respect is unbelievable. This isn’t always based on gender though. If your person is always concerned about themselves (see narcissistic), and never about you, well that certainly is a problem.

I have a theory, that the single most important thing a relationship must have is mutual respect. Yes, more important than love. I know, it’s a crazy thought. You can’t always make things work because you love each other- though I did used to believe that love conquers all. However, mutual RESPECT will get you through anything. The key word being mutual.

3. You Are Not a Priority (But They are for You)

Not feeling prioritized is a huge red flag. Relationships are two-way streets. No, you cannot put in all the effort so that your partner doesn’t have to do anything. It just doesn’t work that way. That’s called parenthood. Ever heard the quote, “If a man wants to be with you, he will be”, or something along those lines? Same goes for women. If someone truly wants to be with you, you will know based on the effort they put into their relationship with you.

4. You Can’t Talk About Issues Without Fighting

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

Actually, you can’t talk about anything without fighting. Seriously, if you feel the need to walk on eggshells around your partner to avoid conflict, that’s bad. If simple conversations like where you’re going to eat, what you did today, or what you liked about that movie turns into an argument, then what’s the point? You should be in a relationship with someone because you enjoy talking to them about things. Things that you can’t talk with other people. Having hard conversations is part of being in a relationship. If you can’t even talk about what restaurant you’re going to, how can you talk about important things: sharing finances, having kids, raising kids, job changes, family issues, marriage, etc.

5. Double Standards

YOU can’t go out on Friday nights, but he can. He needs his boy’s night. She needs to meet your friends, but you can’t meet hers. They always need to know what you’re doing, but always keep their whereabouts a secret. They can flirt with others and it’s harmless, when you do it its cheating. You can’t have friends of the opposite sex, but they can! My ex’s best friend was a girl, and got insanely jealous when I talked to another guy. He had sleepovers in the same bed as her (I lived with my strict christian parents so I couldn’t even do that with him). He also moved in with is ex-girlfriend. He made me feel insane to be jealous. Yet I couldn’t even look at another guy, or he had to know every detail.

6. They Make You Feel Like You Need Them

Oh my gosh. This is the worst. Don’t let people do things for you with the wrong intentions. Make sure you can take care of yourself. An example would be someone driving you everywhere, because you don’t have a car. Now, temporarily, this is okay. But if its consistent or if they hold it over your head, that’s a serious issue. If they say things implying that you need them, or threaten to not do something, like drive you, that’s manipulation. If one person overly depends on another in a relationship, it’s unhealthy. Relationships should be mutually beneficial.

7. Gaslighting

I put this one at the end because I’d like to spend a little time on it. If you want an entire post dedicated to gaslighting, let me know in the comments.

Gaslighting, by definition is, “manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.”

Gaslighting is the worst kind of manipulation in my opinion, the guilty party makes the innocent one feel guilty and crazy for being right. 99% of the time if you feel like something is up, it is. If you can’t trust your partner, or if they make you feel insecure and unsure of yourself, get tf out. Relationships should add to your happiness and confidence, not take away from it. Always remember to put yourself first, your happiness should not be the cost of your partner’s happiness. Your well-being is not the price of your partner’s comfort. You are amazing and deserve someone who can both see that, and treat you like you are. You are a MFing queen (or king), and anyone who can’t see that isn’t worthy to date you.

The most obvious and common instance is cheating. If the man is cheating, and the woman questions him, he may call her crazy. If she asks about his relationship with another female, he’ll call her paranoid. If she asks where he was last night, he’ll tell her to stop stalking him. Other words are possessive, insane, clingy, insecure, jealous, etc.

Like I mentioned on #5, I once had a boyfriend who had a female best friend. They had been best. friends for years, he told me at the beginning he wouldn’t abandon her for a relationship (they had history of his toxic ex). That was fine with me. She was funny and very outgoing. The problem was, they would spend the night together all the time. They would drink and do drugs together, sleep in the same bed, when I was uncomfortable he would remind me that he wouldn’t abandon her. I never asked him to, I just wanted a little respect. Of course, all his friends were on his side. He called me clingy, crazy, manipulative, and made all of his friends hate me.

Then it got worse. His toxic ex, whom he told me he had blocked (not at my request), left her parents house. They started living together at their friend’s house (it was more of a crack house I guess..) And then I got really uncomfortable. I also found out that he had been the one to drive 30minutes to get her. And now they were sleeping in the same room. He also had told me he couldn’t resist her sexually. I was going insane over this, meanwhile he was hurling insults at me. Telling me she had nowhere to go, that nothing was going on, he was just helping her. After he dumped me, he brought her on a date into the coffee shop where I worked- and gave me a panic attack. This resulted in me getting fired because it was so bad I couldn’t work the rest of my shift. He did it on a dare, just to mess with me. He had that much power over me emotionally, and I never should have let him.

So if your partner often makes you feel small, crazy, insecure, or like you’re the reason you can’t trust them, that’s gaslighting. If there’s nothing to hide, they won’t mind showing you everything. I’m not saying go through your partner’s phone every day. But if you get to the point where you feel so uncomfortable that you need to, there should be no issue (if you ask. don’t do it behind their back).

Still Don’t Know?

If you’re still unsure, here’s a tip: make a list of the positive and negative things you are getting out of the relationship. Rate each thing on a scale of 1 to 5, and add up the points on each side. This is because if you simply count the things, you might stay with a guy who’s terrible because he buys you lunch sometimes. Don’t use one time events either! Ex: he bought me flowers that one time…

Come up with at least 5 on each side. If the score comes out even or negative… maybe look into why you’re together. Here’s an example.

ratingProsConsrating
4open with each otheralways busy-3
3good sexnever pays $$$-4
1foot massageshates my friends-5
2parents love themdoesn’t want kids-4
4makes me laughcan be stubborn-1
positive: 14; Negative:-17

In Conclusion…

I made this list of some of the most obvious things that are not okay in a relationship. It by all means doesn’t cover every single aspect of a toxic relationship. Let me tell you something: if you found yourself reading this list, either defending your partner or telling yourself “Yeah but…*insert defense here*”, then you’re probably in a toxic relationship. Although these things may seem obvious to some, when they actually take place in your relationship it can be hard to recognize. It may sound cliche, but some things are cliche because they’re right- given some time, things will get better.

Please remember to like and comment 🙂 subscribe for more articles like this one.

Posted in Journal, Uncategorized

What It’s REALLY Like to Have COVID-19

Personally, I am very cautious when it comes to getting COVID. I wear my mask, I wash my hands, I social distance when possible. I only hang out with a small group of people, I don’t like to party. Personally, I have been fortunate enough to stay healthy throughout the pandemic. However, a few weeks ago, I got a message from my best friend in Junior High and High School. She told me she had COVID. I Immediately freaked out. I had just read horror stories the day before of young, healthy people who had terrible cases. I almost cried, I told her I loved her and begged her to take care of herself. I knew that those stories I had read were just the extremes, meant to scare people into wearing a mask, but she was my best friend (still is). I was going to freak out. Later in the week, I asked her if she’d be interested in writing a post about her experience. A non-horror story. She said she’d love to. Here’s what she had to say about her experience:

“I woke up and I felt like I had been hit by a car. The night before I had convinced myself, I just have to run a few errands before class, and then after class, I could nap, but now that I was awake, the hardest part of the morning was getting out of bed. 

Advertisements

But I made myself do it. I’m a college kid, and my grades are important, and to function through the week I need to get groceries, pick up my car from the dealership, and run various other errands before the week kicked off. Typical Monday morning. 

I only made it from the dealership that morning. My head was throbbing, and I had a horrible cough. The possibility of COVID lingered in the back of my mind, but I figured it was just the cold that had been making its way around my small college campus. I got ready for class and left my warm dorm room for the classroom where I spend the majority of my time. 

It was presentation day for my rhetoric class. I did my best to stay awake through my classmates’ presentations, but I couldn’t do it. I left early. I slept the rest of that day, missing my other class. It was miserable. I have a dry cough, and my head was pounding. My RA moved me to a quarantine room, that way my roommate wouldn’t get anything I had. 

The doctor saw me the next morning. They told me they were going to do a COVID test and I laughed. “I don’t think it’s covid. I think it’s just a cold.” I told the nurse. She said she hoped so, probably crossing her fingers behind her back. Fifteen minutes later, she told me I had tested positive for COVID-19. 

Advertisements

Immediately my mind began to race. “WHO had I come in contact with that might have been sick? Where could I have gotten it from?” Then the horrible thoughts began to take over. I’ve been in contact with all my classmates. I’ve been hugging and hanging out with most of them. Who else is going to be sick? 

If the guilt of possibly getting others sick wasn’t enough, I was running a high fever, and my entire body ached. I was sick. I crawled back into my newly deemed prison and slept. I didn’t notice the fact I had missed three classes in a row, it didn’t really matter. 

Over the next couple of days, 7 of 22 students tested positive for COVID. All of us experienced different symptoms. I was drained. I would get up around 9:30 and need to sleep again at 11. I couldn’t function. My friend had coughs that wracked her entire body. Her entire frame would shake as she coughed. The worst symptom I experienced was muscle aches. I felt like the day before I had run a marathon. My legs ached, and my joints felt stretched. A friend gave me magnesium supplements to try and ease the pain, but not even pain medication helped ease my pain. 

Yes, the physical side effects were horrible, but mentally, being locked by myself was draining. I consider myself an introvert, so I didn’t mind a couple of days by myself, but as the week wore on, I wished I could have been with my close group of friends, making cookies, and driving to the park, inside of sitting in my room. Being alone for two weeks affected my mental health in ways I didn’t expect. 

Advertisements

I was lucky to have a mild brush with COVID because I’m young and relatively in shape. I know many others who have not been as fortunate as I, and I’m grateful for that. I’m still recovering from Covid, and I encourage all the readers, wear a mask, and stay safe.”

Well, you heard (or read) what she said. Wear a mask, people! It’s an easy and proven way to protect yourself and others against COVID-19. Imagine yourself as a knight, and hand sanitizer is your sword, the mask is your shield. You’re very heroic.

Although my friend did have a pretty basic case, it still ruined her life for 2 weeks. I know I was worried constantly. Plus, she is a very healthy young person. If you’ve smoked or vaped, have asthma, are in generally poor health, or are up there in years, your chance of severity and fatality increases. This also applies to young children, so if you are often around little kids or have young siblings, PLEASE be safe for them! You’re not just responsible for yourself, but everyone around you.

Stay safe, stay healthy, stay happy 🙂

Posted in Journal

Introduction

Journal Entry 1: Introduction

Hello reader! My name is Elle, and I am a college student. I’m starting this blog because I have a lot of free time, and not a lot of friends. Covid has taken away many opportunities to make friends as a freshman, so, here I am, starting a blog.

I’ll start with a bit about me. As previously stated, I am a freshman in college. I am majoring in Graphic Design, because they say if you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life. I had a bit of a rough upbringing, and struggle severely with depression and anxiety (I am doing much better now). I was a very strange child… to put it nicely. Okay, I was a complete weirdo. To be fair, I am a middle child and got most of my social skills from reading books.

Here’s a few random facts about me:

  • I’m a pisces
  • I have a dog, whom I adore
  • I am gluten free (NOT by choice)
  • I love poetry
  • Halloween in my favorite holiday
  • I’m an introvert to the max, so starting a blog feels kinda weird to me
  • I really want to adopt
  • My favorite food is sushi

So, what kind of blog is the Thrifty Chick? I’m so glad you asked;) I am a creative and expressive broke individual who wants to share my experiences with other creative, expressive, broke individuals. This blog is everything fun, creative, and cheap. I’ve been DIYing since before I can remember. Like, I actually can’t remember a time when I wasn’t making things.

This blog will be basic how to’s, top number lists, advice columns, and personal entries. Some of the topics I will cover are:

  • Crafting
  • Finance
  • Relationships
  • Entertainment
  • Organization/decoration
  • And other miscellaneous things… I don’t like confinement.

So, yeah.. that’s that. Stay tuned for more posts, I haven’t worked out a schedule yet, but there will be more!

PS. Here’s a picture of my dog! Her name is Rupi (After Rupi Kaur, the most amazing poet of all time), and she’s my baby!